Well, that transfer didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped - I really need to put these entries into their proper dates. My comments have ended up at the top of each transferred entry, and my explanation about what I did at the bottom of it all - kind of sloppy. Sorry, if you are reading this. June 27 is a compilation of entries I had made as test posts on other blog sites, but decided to consolidate it all here. But that's life. Maybe once I do the paid thing, I can straighten it out.


Editing comment: finally am taking the time to straighten things out. I'm spending part of this afternoon listening to some new rep and reposting entries in their proper dates (Feb 29, 04)

Thoughts

I can't believe that Jay is still dealing with the financial end of things for his aunt and trying to figure out what to do with all the stuff. She did eventually pass away - the doctors were only able to control the leukemia for a couple of days at a time, and she left us in December. It's never easy dealing with this part of life - it can be very overwhelming at times. Uncle Fred also passed away - on the anniversary of the beginning of The Battle of the Bulge, interestingly enough. That's the one where he won the Bronze Star for - if I remember correctly - leading his platoon (?) on a retreat in battle conditions and not losing a single man. There's a special term, so I'll have to check my facts on that to make sure. I'll edit this entry later to correctly reflect the circumstances.

Thoughts on Iraq - so many of us wished it had never come to that (war), and some have declared it done and overwith, but there's still so much going on, and our troops are still in great danger in many places. One of the staff at the last sub jobs I had found out that his brother in law is being sent over - and he'll be in the danger zones. Is there anywhere over there that isn't a danger zone any more? My heart goes out to the children forced to go through this mess. I wish they could all have the carefree childhood I had. They should be going to school and playing with family and friends, not running from bombs and being terrorized.

At least my Grandpa's smile and sense of humor are still there - even though his power of speech is waning now. He's truly a bright spot in all this mess and still a rock for me to lean on. If he can't say anything else, he can still sing hymns and say prayers. The power and blessingings of God are totally evident in his life.

Aunt Olive and Lena Einstein

Two people I know passed away this week. The first was Aunt Olive - such a sweet person. I know she was in a lot of pain - so much that that they had to use a double dose of morphine. I wish that she didn't have to suffer. The illnesses that Uncle Ray and Grandpa are facing are, in an odd way, blessings at these times. I think if they were fully aware of the loss of their beloved spouses, the grief would be too much for them. The Alzheimer's and Parkinson's that each one faces kind of protects them. I can see glimpses of it with Grandpa - the moments he's aware of Grandma's passing and the overwhelming grief that creeps out at those moments. As the rest of the family is out of town, and Grandpa can't really leave the nursing home, I'm the family representative for the funeral. One of the local radio morning programs had a topic recently along the lines of: "When did you know that you'd become an adult?". One of my answers now would be being in charge of buying flowers for a funeral on behalf of the family. I'd been in on those decisions before, but never had to deal with it on my own.

A friend of mine also died yesterday. Lina Einstein. She was a beautiful lady and very supportive of my singing. Even before she got sick, I'd think of her every time I listened to or worked on Die Entfuhrung aus dem Serail. I don't know why this opera in particular - not, let's say, Die Fledermaus instead, as she had sung in a few "community" type operetta groups (from the way she described them to me - she could have been just being modest). I'll never forget singing Stille Nacht for her during the Christmas services at Syracuse Homes. She's a very brave lady too - she and her husband left Germany just prior to WWII. (He was Jewish). With the studying I've done about the time period, I can only imagine what it was like for them. I'm very grateful to God that I was able to meet her. I know she's with her husband now and at peace, which is what she had been praying for for a while now. Even though there are a lot of people who will miss her, we're grateful for that fact.

On Writing and Family:

I'm really beginning to feel better about myself. Something about writing - journaling to be specific - is really helping. I like playing around with these online diaries. It'll be interesting to see if anything develops. I'd forgotten how much I loved to write as a child. I wonder if I can find my old writings and put them up here to work on them. It's alot better than having loose bunches of paper floating all over the place. This house is too cluttered. It's funny that I'd forgotten how much I identified with characters like Jo in Little Women, Anne Shirley, and Laura Ingalls. I need to get in touch with that side of myself. To explore my writings and connections with writers that I come across. My favorite authors: Jane Austen, LM Montgomery, Louisa May Alcott, Laura Ingalls Wilder, the Brontes, Dickens, Tolkein, C.S. Lewis for starters. Favorite poets: Rilke, Frost, Whitman, Tennyson. Let's leave it there for starters and see what happens. Work on poetry first - I'll have to upload some of my works to here.

It's interesting too, how much voice lessons have reawakened the urge to write within me. That, and the CSPeakPerf group that works on The Artist's Way and the rest of Cameron's works. I've found The Vein of Gold to be a real challenge, but working through the autobiographical sections has been very important. It's kind of something that I can pick at bit by bit. I hadn't researched much about my years at Fredonia, but a recent lesson caused a couple of painful memories to resurface - all that muscle memory, I guess. I hadn't thought about the one episode in a long time, and it reminded me of how trustworthy my grandparents are/were. I only told my grandparents about this one issue, and, to my knowledge, they never told another soul. I want to have that kind of integrity. That kind of trustworthiness. The funny thing is, I know Grandma for one never thought she was good enough. Her Bible and copies of The Upper Room I found lying around when we were cleaning out their home all had verses circled about how she needed to remember to control her tongue (the verses from James, for instance). And "Consider the lilies of the field..." from Matthew. My cousin Carolyn made the comment after Grandma's funeral that she (and we all said the same applied to us!) had a long way to go to be as good as Grandma. If you read this, Carolyn, I hope you know that I feel the same way. She really focused on being like Jesus - read The Scriptures every day - several times, as I recall - and prayed all the time. She really took His example to heart. The memories of her (and others) encouragements stick with me and have helped me open up the possiblities in my life. And she always showed people that she cared. I need to implement that more in my life.

Also:

In cleaning out my bookmarks, I came across other blog sites that I tried out. I was going to use them for different purposes, but it's too much work. I'm going to transfer the entries over to here - just wish at this point that I could put them in their proper dates, but I can't get to the paid section of blogger right now to transfer my membership (or whatever that is). That's life. It'll be interesting to read them and comment on them, I suppose. Here goes nothing!

I have to maintain the focus on the program this summer with everything going on. It's a hard balancing act. This journaling is a big help, though. I've been working on getting everything together for this summer's road trip. So far, I'm partially packed, but I do have a couple of weeks to go, and a brief trip up to the Adirondacks right before hand. I think I'll just take up one dress for that, as well as my rolling backpack. I won't need much more than that. And at least I know where I get my overpacking from: my mom. I was helping them get ready for their trip to Alaska, and Mom's suitcase was at least twice as heavy as Dad's. Yikes. And she wonders why she complains of back and shoulder problems!! The other thing I need to do is get my music together. I need several copies of each aria I'm working on, including the originals. I'm glad I've got several copies of each aria in some form or other. I think I'll take my scores and use those - I dont' care if those get written in. Well, I feel there's lots more to think about, but I'd better get busy with the music end of things.

I still have trouble falling asleep. Mom and Dad thought they needed to wake me up for a sub job back at the beginning of the month - and several sub jobs the week before. I know they call my sister every morning, but I'd rather just get up and maintain focus on what I need to do. I have an alarm clock that is not electric - let me take care of myself!!!! At least I'm on my own again for a couple of weeks, so once again, I can sleep as I need to and practice and write when I feel like it. It's nice to work on things when I have the dogs outside. I really need to get this business going so I don't need to really worry about sub jobs being a main source of income. I think substitute teachers are the only ones that really pray for no snow days....

Oh - and another way I feel like I've reached adulthood: paying my own $100+ dry cleaning bill without my father asking me if I needed any help paying it. I'm glad he's letting up on that kind of stuff.

I'm tired of being tired. This thing is taking a long time to go away. It would help if I could sleep decently, but in this small house, that's impossible. At least the 'rents are going away for a few days. I can practice and sleep as I wish. My students even called today to move to other days, so tomorrow is free and I can get some business stuff done. Need to get those bills mailed off. I want to think of something profound to put in these pages. We'll see what happens. I'm not my sister, the writer. That's for sure. I do love to write, though. I like being able to get things off my chest and out of my system. It's getting easier to take care of me as I do it. I'm glad I left teaching. It wasn't me and I wasn't turning into a good person. I couldn't be the person God wants me to be. As frustrating as the life of an actor can be at times, I feel I'm following the path that he wants me to follow.

I just feel this need to write and write. I'm not saying anything at all, but sometimes stream-of-conciousness can be a good thing. Or semi-stream of conciousness. I'm kind of editing thoughts as I type - not fair. I'm remembering meghan boeing from Ithaca and her journaling - at least she always seemed to have a blank book around. She's a person I wished I had known better. Very intelligent and self-assured. I'd like to be more like her. I'm glad we had the same host family that one time on choir tour. Not that I didn't love the times I spent with Amanda - especially in the one house that was under construction and we had a room full of plaster dust. I dont' know how we survived. She sure made it easier!

It's interesting how things in life connect up with each other.

For instance: I'm working through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and I'll invariably find sermons in church that hit on the same issues. Like at Syracuse Home the other Sunday. It just really hit me. She ended up talking about blurts and affirmations (to use the Cameron phrase). I can believe in me. God certainly does. The morning pages are getting easier. Still no real artist’s date as I had hoped, but I’m finding that through the course of a day, I’m taking more “little moments” for me - for instance, parking on the far side of the lot when going to the supermarket so I can walk by the huge landscaping at the front of a certain aisle that is full of lilac bushes - the fragrance is heavenly. And, now that farmers’ markets are in season, fresh fruits and veggies. I find that I’m eating better when all my senses are involved.

I did find another wonderful spot for an artist’s date while performing in a benefit this weekend. It’s an art park set back in the hills east of the city. Apparently they have classes and concerts all summer. I’ve grown up in this area and had no clue that this even existed. There are multiple paths to explore as well.

Performance progress: I sang Glitter and Be Gay at the benefit (an all Bernstein concert). The rest of the performers were absolutely amazing, and it was highly inspirational to be there. I tried to perform without feeling the need to “do something” with every moment. (I can get in the way of my own performance pretty easily trying to pull some piece of schtick or other!). It almost worked - another performance or two, and I’ll have it. Fortunately, I had a fabulous accompanist - Kevin Moore - who helped make me look great! I actually got a standing ovation - my first(!) from a couple in the audience (I didn’t know them!), reconnected with a former coach - Jerry Exline - we’ll be working together again - he’s always been a big inspiration - *and* made a voice teacher who’s never really seemed to liked me smile a genuine smile :-), but the complete highlight of the evening was the 5 big hugs I received from my old flute teacher - John Oberbrunner. It was the first time he had heard me sing, and I don’t think - until last night - that he had ever forgiven me for giving up on the flute. He’s now one of my biggest fans :-) That meant more to me than anything has in a long time. And, I really appreciate Carol's confidence in me to ask me to do something of this nature. She's such a positive person to be around.

Goals:
1. AW and FlyLady - MPs, MPs, MPs!!
2. exercise: continue to use yoga breathing tape for energy. Add a weight loss video or ride the bike now that the energy level is getting better.
3. Keep organizing for summer program.
4. Refine arias for late June mini recital for local charitable organization. Rehearse with accompanist
5. Keep up with early bedtime.

I got the program package in the mail - I was beginning to get antsy about it. The place looks gorgeous - we're even staying in houses, not a dorm, and they overlook the river. We'll even have a kitchen, which I'm happy about. Easier to stay on the diet if I'm not around fast food all the time. I love that we were told to bring *ballet slippers* if we had them!!! I miss dance class - wish I could afford lessons. I need them. The road trip is actually doable with the stops I have in mind, which is nice, but the visit to Coshocton will be on the way back, I think. They haven't picked any pieces for me, so for Female Charitable I'm doing: Caro nome, Willow Song, Doll Song and something German - I have too many there to pick from. Same with French, but they'll all know the Doll Song for sure. There's tons of stuff to prep for the summer, so I'm going to get my butt in gear this week and get everything planned and laid out. I don't think we have any house guests coming between now and then. Yeah road trip!

Well, I've got a concert tomorrow night, so I'm going to get some rest. It's "just" Glitter and Be Gay" and "Make Our Garden Grow", but there's the church job in the am - I'll have to go easy at rehearsal. But it's exciting to be earning money singing - finally.